All I'm Asking - Extra Scene #2

Dear Neighbor who keeps moving my newspaper to the end of my driveway,

It has been a bit upsetting to me to discover you are the one who has been displacing my newspaper. I do not understand why you are doing it, but I would like you to please stop.

Thank you,
Maxine

***

I don’t think I will. You see, it’s an experiment. I’ve heard many stories about you, and this is one way to find out which story is true.

***

Dear mean-spirited neighbor,

This seems unfairly cruel. Why don’t you knock on my door, instead, and meet me? Then you will discover the real story. Or maybe how I’m not a story, but a real person.

Thank you,
Maxine

***

Except, one of the stories is that you are a serial killer who has the bodies of every victim who has come to your door piled up in freezers in your basement.

***

Dear gullible neighbor,

Well, for pity’s sake. How ridiculous! I mean, I’d have to own a lot of freezers, for one thing! Have you seen any of them delivered? (No, you wouldn’t have, because they’d bring them to the door and then you’d have a time of it moving THOSE to the end of the driveway, wouldn’t you?)

Sincerely,
Maxine

***

Touché about the delivery bit. I grant it might be true you haven’t had multiple deep storage freezers delivered. On the other hand, maybe it’s always happened when I’ve been at work. Okay, well here’s another reason not to knock on your door. I’ve also heard you always bring a shotgun to the door and threaten to use it on solicitors.

***

Dear door-to-door encyclopedia salesman neighbor,

Are you a solicitor?

Sincerely,
Maxine

***

I am not a solicitor, no.

***

Dear neighbor who does not sell things,

Then, I hardly think the shotgun would be an issue, would it?

Sincerely,
Maxine

***

Hmm. I suppose not. Meth lab? Dangerous and mean attack dog? Someone trapped in your basement?

***

Dear wildly imaginative neighbor,

None of those things.

Sincerely,
Maxine

***

Okay, to be completely honest, the rumor I thought most likely to be true was that you are morbidly obese and I wanted to see if you were able to walk down the driveway without assistance.

***

And after writing those words, I realized how terrible they look and sound. I am ashamed I only realized that after I wrote it out. I’m so sorry. I’m an asshole.

Sincerely,
Asshole Neighbor

***

Dear Maxine,

I’m sorry for my behavior. It has been rude, mean-spirited, and I’m a dick, douchebag, jerk, asshat.

Sincerely,
Your neighbor who is a total jerk.

***

Dear Maxine,

I’m sorry. Please forgive me.

Evan, your neighbor

***

Dear Maxine,

Here are some personal things about me. I’m 33 and still single, obviously because I’m an immature dipshit. I hate living alone and so I have a lot of pets, but they’re not all the “normal” kind, which might be why no one wants to be with me, let alone live with me. Or maybe it is only because I am an immature dipshit, which now seems like the more plausible reason, after more thought and soul-searching. I hope this helps you feel less antipathy towards me.

Sincerely,
Evan

***

Dear Maxine,

Maybe I could knock on your door? Please let me know if it’s okay for me to knock on your door tomorrow morning.

Sincerely,
Evan

***

Dear Evan,

If you knock on my door tomorrow, I might open it (although I’ll peek through the window, first). BTW, I’m not morbidly obese.

Sincerely,
Maxine